Hello all! Yes, this is my first official posting! I know, I know, I’m late to the party. But I have a good excuse. My husband and I are preparing to move back across the country in approximately six weeks. “Back” you say, eh? Yup. BACK.
Three years ago I moved from my hometown of Hollywood, Florida to the bustling, chaotic town of Los Angeles, or as my grandmother would say with jazz hands “Hollywooooood!” You’ve heard of this luxurious paradise, right? Eh, I kid. The truth is, a vaction to see the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame or the Brangelina wax figures won’t give you even a glimpse of what it’s like to be a resident of L.A. The difference between ‘tourist’ and ‘citizen’ is vast. It’s a challenge to say the least. Instead of harping on what I hate about this town, I would like to express my disgust in positive (yet slightly cynical) thank you letters:
1. Dear satellite radio,
Thank you for your hours of entertainment during my TWO HOUR long drive to work amidst ten million other people. Your help to get through traffic on a daily basis is second to none. Thank you to the spa channel for helping to ease my stress on the highway. Thank you comedy channel and met opera channel, for making me laugh when I most needed it. And of course, thank you Howard Stern. Without your hours of interviews followed by naked bimbos, how else would I be able to take my mind off the need to pee?
2. Dear lady sitting next to me on the plane when I first landed in Los Angeles,
Thank you for quickly correcting me when I exclaimed “Look at the beautiful orange sunset!” Because of your kind explanation, I now know that the “beautiful orange sunset” is actually a thick layer of smog and pollution. Also, a special thank you to my air purifier.
3. Dear acting agent lady who told me to lose ten pounds (I weigh 110 lbs),
Thank you for steering me away from my desire to act in front of the camera. Because of your disgusting advice, I have found my true calling as a screenwriter, the furthest I could get from your kind without having to give up my love of film. Also, thank you for the hard peppermint candy, which probably didn’t help your plan for my weight loss.
4. Dear bank account,
Thank you for putting up with the insane amounts of money it requires to live in this city. $2000/month in rent, $15 for a chicken sandwich, and all those stupid parking garage fees…you have endured it all. I promise where we’re going will make you much happier. And look on the bright side, bank account. You’ll never have to shell out $750,000.00 for a two-bedroom condo. Never ever ever.
And last, but not least…
5. Dear Mom,
Thank you for teaching me the difference between manners and a punch in the face. I now know that manners are not just please and thank you, but also an all-around consideration for those around me and the planet I live on. Maybe you can teach the good people of L.A. the same things you taught me – to be kind, respectiful, and to not ram my grocery cart into the person in line in front of me as a passive-aggressive message to hurry up. Also, thank you high-top shoes for protecting my shins.
And so you see, there are many reasons we’re leaving Los Angeles. But the truth is, I’ve grown so much in three years. I moved here as a single woman, determined to find my true passion. And I did. Now I leave here now as a married woman, ready to settle down in the country, pop out some kids and write some stories by candlelight.
Hmmm…who knows? My next blog might be about churning butter.
Or buying a house. Yeah, it’s probably not going to be about churning butter.